|
Title: Keeping the very much needed laughs going! Post by: RyanTBH on June 19, 2012, 01:51:45 pm When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.” --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Texan: “Where are you from?” Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.” Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?” --------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's a good stopping point! LOL! Enjoy! ;D Title: Re: Keeping the very much needed laughs going! Post by: PLP on June 19, 2012, 07:19:21 pm A game warden was out looking for his next customer and noticed a truck parked near a bridge. As he got out of his truck he heard some shots. So he hollered into the woods " hey what r y'all shooting at" the hunter replies " wood ducks! They r everywhere" game warden asks " how many y'all shot" hunter hollers " not sure cause I don't have a plug in my gun" so the furious game warden goes charging into the swamp walks up on the man.......only to see he's shooting a double barrel!! >:D
Ok ok Just one more Game warden stopped some ol boys squirrel hunting. He walks up and says " hey y'all got any ID?.......the fella stands there looking puzzled then asks........" bout what"? Title: Re: Keeping the very much needed laughs going! Post by: DWEST on June 19, 2012, 10:28:40 pm game warden pulls uo to the boat ramp with only one lone ttruck and empty trailer. He sees the fisherman on his way back to the ramp and decides to wait. When the fisherman gets to the ramp...
Game warden: Mind if i have a look in your boat? Fisherman: No sir, go ahead Game warden looks through the boat and finds nothing wrong till he opens the livewell and finds it full of bass... Game warden: ok, I'm going to need to see your license...and you are over your limit of fish Fisherman: License??? For what? Game Warden: Your FISHING LICENSE!!!! What do you think? Fisherman: Oh, no sir...you see i wasn't fishing. Game Warden: Oh, really?!?!?! Well, how do you explain those fish then? Fisherman: Awww, them are just my pets. I bring them down to the lake bout once a week, i turn 'em out let 'em swim for a bit and all i gotta do is call 'em back in and we head back to the house. Game Warden: I ain't buying it! Fisherman: nah...sir i wouldnt lie to ya Game Warden: OK, prove it. I want to see you call these fish back in. Fisherman starts emptying the fish from his livewell and releasing them into the lake...a few minutes after he is done... Game Warden: Well? Fisherman: Well, what? Game warden: where's the fish? lets see it, call 'em in! Fisherman: What fish???????? ;D Title: Re: Keeping the very much needed laughs going! Post by: TChunter on June 19, 2012, 10:44:23 pm the one where the guy shoots his friends is my ringtone...except for the guy reports his friend fell out of a tree stand lmao
Title: Re: Keeping the very much needed laughs going! Post by: PLP on June 19, 2012, 11:00:49 pm Some pedestrian democrats were shooting dice behind the liquor store and a fight broke out. Leroy got stabbed up real good so his friend calls 911. The operator answers and the man shouts " y'all hurry up n get here cause me n Leroy was shootin dice behind the liquor store and he got stabbed up real good" the operator asks " what is your location" the man replies " behind the liquor store" the operator ask " what street is the liquor store on?" he replies " on magnolia skreet" the operator say " ok sir calm down now can u please SPELL Magnolia street for me? The man stutters " uhh M uhh agl uhh.... Ok screw it...we just gonna drag him over to WOOD street..W..O..O...D!!
Title: Re: Keeping the very much needed laughs going! Post by: sp on June 20, 2012, 09:25:47 am Two guys are out playing golf one day. Ahead of them are two women, who are playing the course extremely slow. About the time they reached the 7th hole, the two men sat on the tee box waiting, while the two women ahead of them chipped and chipped attempting to get on the green. Finally, one man said to the other "Wait here. I am going to take the cart up there and ask them if they mind if we play through." So the fella drives about half way down the fairway, stops, and comes back. He tells his partner "You are going to have to ask them because I can't. One of those women is my wife, and the other is my girlfriend" So, the second man takes the cart, drives about half way down the fairway. He stops, turns around, and comes back. As he arrives back at his partner, he states "Dang, it sure is a small world, isn't it!"
Title: Re: Keeping the very much needed laughs going! Post by: PLP on June 20, 2012, 12:15:38 pm A woman runs into the golf clubhouse exclaiming to the staff pro that she has just been stung by a wasp between the first and second hole!!!!..... the golf pro peers over his magazine and says " I've told you before that your stance was too wide" >:D
|